Burned Into My Skin
by NixDucky
Summary: Sort of coda/fix it for episode 15x03 The Rupture. In which Dean grovels for forgivness... Destiel.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Happy Birthday Worm!**

**After 15x03 you said "If the next episode isn't ALL about Dean chasing after Cas and grovelling for forgiveness, I will never recover." So here is some chasing and grovelling. Part 2 will be sexytimes. Because we all deserve it.**

**I've used and reworked some dialogue from 15x03 and 15x09. Because that speech of Dean's in 15x09 was perfection.**

**As this work is a gift for my usual beta, it has not been beta'd.**

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Dean felt the words bubbling up, fighting to make their way out. He tried not to say them, he knew they weren't true. That he was just too angry to deal with… well, anything.

And after the couple of days that they'd had, Chuck, demons, monsters, Rowena, Sam's injury... He was at the end of everything; his strength, his patience, his ability to tamp down on his anger. It felt like the only thing he had left was his anger. And he clung to that like it was a lifeline. So when Cas had said that something always goes wrong with their plans he'd just snapped. And Cas was the only thing in front of him that he could aim his anger at.

"Yeah, why does that something always seem to be you?" he'd spat at Cas. God, he'd regretted it the moment the words were out of his mouth, but he wouldn't take them back. He couldn't. He didn't have the strength to show Cas any weakness, to show Cas how he was really feeling, because if he did? He might just never be able to put the pieces back together again.

But Cas had looked so broken as he'd said, "You used to trust me, give me the benefit of the doubt. Now you can barely look at me. My powers are failing, and—and I've tried to talk to you, over and over, and you just don't want to hear it. You don't care. I'm... dead to you. You still blame me for Mary."

Listening to Cas say those things, to know that he really believed that was how Dean had felt had nearly killed Dean. But still, all he'd been able to do was nod, as if he was agreeing with Cas. And nothing could have been further from the truth. He was just so fucking angry. At everything and everyone. But mostly at himself.

And then Cas had left. He'd just left. Dean had honestly never thought that would happen. But he realised immediately that it was _his _fault. He'd pushed Cas away, made him believe that Dean didn't want him around. Didn't want him. Dean had laughed cruelly to himself.

"Way to go, Dean," he told himself. "One of only two good things left in your life and you fuck that up. What kind of an asshole are you?" And with that he'd got up and fetched a bottle of whisky, prepared to drink himself unconscious.

He was lying on his bed, more than halfway through the bottle of whisky, when Sam found him.

"Hey, have you seen Cas? I wanted to ask him something. I was thinking about Rowena, and I think it's possible…" he trailed off. "What's wrong?"

Dean had chuckled darkly. "He's gone."

"What?"

"Cas. He's gone. He left." Dean waved his hand vaguely and took another swig from the bottle.

Sam rubbed his hand over his face, and walked over to Dean's bed. He sat down on the mattress and looked over at his brother sadly.

"What did you do?" he asked quietly. There wasn't even any accusation in his voice. Maybe Sam was tired of Dean's crap too. Maybe he'd leave soon, too. _Serve me right _, thought Dean.

Then he sighed. No use bullshitting Sam. They didn't do that anymore. "I kind of let him think I blamed him for Mom's death." Dean said the words quietly, like he didn't really want to let them out.

Sam took a deep breath in and let it out slowly. "Dean."

"I know, man. Okay? I know!" Dean threw the mostly empty bottle of booze across the room, and heard it shatter with satisfaction.

Sam didn't even flinch. "So? What are you going to do?" He looked directly at his brother, not allowing Dean to hide from what he knew he had to do.

Dean closed his eyes. "Go after him. Beg for forgiveness?" he spoke softly, his voice lilting up as if he was asking for Sam's approval.

Sam gave a small smile and patted his brother's leg as he stood up to leave him. "Yep," he said. "Keep your phone on, though. I need to be able to get hold of you." And he walked out of the room.

Dean smiled a very small, sad smile. God, he didn't deserve Sam. And he certainly didn't deserve Cas. He rubbed his left shoulder, which still bore the imprint of Castiel's hand. He often found himself rubbing that scar when thinking about Cas. It always made him feel closer to him somehow.

Dean was sure that he'd pushed it too far this time. There was no way Cas could forgive him for this. But he had to try.

He threw some clothes and his toiletry bag into his duffel, grabbed the car keys, made sure he had his phone, and left. He had no idea how he was going to find Cas, or where, but he had to try. He would grovel on his knees, if it meant that Cas would forgive him and come back.

Turns out Dean knew Cas pretty well. The angel was at the fourth place Dean looked for him, sitting on a bench at the only miniature golf course in Lebanon. It was early morning on a weekday, so there weren't any people around except for the maintenance guy. Cas often liked to sit here and watch the families play the course, but right now he was staring at the ground in front of his feet.

Dean felt his heart climb into his throat. He'd screwed up so badly.

He stood watching Cas for a while, not really knowing where to start. But it didn't take long for Cas to feel his eyes on him, and look up. He looked right at Dean for a long moment, before he looked away and stood up to leave. He didn't say a word.

"Cas, wait." Dean took a hesitant step forward, his hand stretching out as if to grab hold of Cas. He pulled it back quickly though.

Cas stopped walking, but he didn't turn around. He just stood there with his back to Dean.

Dean took another step forward. "I'm sorry," he whispered, so scared that he'd be rejected.

He saw Cas's shoulders stiffen and then sag. He started to walk away again.

"No!" Dean was starting to feel a little panicky. "Cas, please. Please don't walk away. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean any of it." Cas turned his head to the side a little. He was listening, at least. Dean put a hesitant hand on Cas's shoulder and felt the man flinch. It broke his heart.

"Look, can we—can we just sit for a moment? Talk?" Dean couldn't keep the desperation out of his voice.

"I can't imagine what else there is to say, Dean," Cas said sadly, but he turned around and sat back down on the bench.

Dean heaved a huge sigh of relief. "Okay," he nodded, almost to himself. "Okay," he said again, and knelt down in front of Cas, making sure he was directly in the man's eyeline.

"Look, Cas," he took another big breath. "Dammit, this shouldn't be so hard…" he looked away briefly, then back into Cas's eyes. He could do this.

"I should never have let you leave. I should never have said what I said, or let you believe that you're dead to me. God, Cas! You could never be dead to me! Hell, even when you _were _dead, I still _felt _you," he absentmindedly rubbed his shoulder, and Cas's eyes darted towards the movement. "You're my best friend. My... but it was easier to let you walk out than to admit I was wrong." Dean put both hands on Cas's knees. "I'm just so full of rage. About everything. I—I don't know why I get so angry. I just know that it's always been there... and when things go bad, it just comes out and I can't stop it. No matter how bad I want to, I just can't stop it, and then I say things and do things I wish I hadn't. And I forgive you, of _course _I forgive you! I'm sorry it took me so long to say it. Cas, I'm so fucking sorry." There were tears running down Dean's face and he struggled to get all the words out, but goddammit he would get them out. Cas would hear this.

Castiel was looking down at Dean with an intensity Dean wasn't sure he'd ever seen in him before. His eyes kept flickering towards Dean's left shoulder and Dean's tear-filled eyes. He looked like he was trying to make up his mind about something.

Then before Dean could wrap his brain around what was happening, Castiel had his hands on either side of Dean's face, thumbs wiping away the tears, before frantically bringing Dean's lips up to meet his own.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean wasn't sure how they made it back to the Bunker. His memory seemed to consist of snapshots of action; Cas pulling Dean to his feet, his lips never leaving Dean's; Dean's hands scrabbling at Cas's back trying to pull him closer; both of them stumbling to the car; Cas's eyes never leaving Dean as he drove, gripping his free hand as if he was afraid Dean would disappear.

Somehow they made it to Dean's bedroom. Things were moving so fast Dean's head was spinning. Cas wouldn't stop touching him, and every patch of bare flesh that Cas's hands brushed against felt like it was burning. In between frantic kisses, they pulled at each other's clothes—trench coat, shirts, tie, shoes, pants—trailing their progress to the bed. The back of Cas's legs hit the mattress and he sat down with an abrupt huff. He looked up at Dean, and what Dean saw in his eyes was everything he'd ever wanted and knew he didn't deserve. It was terrifying, and Dean couldn't bear that look directed at him, so he closed his eyes, bent down and kissed Cas with everything he had.

The desperation he was feeling was like a physical thing. It made his skin itch and he thought if he could just lose himself in Cas maybe he'd be okay. He opened his mouth against Cas's and roughly pushed his tongue into the other man's mouth. Their teeth clashed, and Dean bit down a little on Cas's bottom lip. God, he just needed to drown in this and never come up for air. Dean climbed over Cas's lap, straddling him. He was surrounded by Cas, his flesh, his scent. Cas was everywhere and still Dean thought he would never get enough of him. They were both down to their underwear, just two thin layers of fabric separating their equally hard flesh. Cas felt so hot, Dean couldn't help grinding down into him, trying to get some of that heat against his own cock, frantic for some friction. Fuck, he'd never wanted anything like he wanted this. He'd never gone from zero to desperate _so _fast. He tried to push Cas further up the bed, but Cas was trying to stop him. He was saying something, but Dean didn't want to talk. He didn't want to think. He just wanted to feel this, and nothing else. He wasn't aware of sadness or anger being with Cas like this. The only thing he was aware of was feeling Cas, and being terrified that Cas would stop.

"Dean." Cas had his hands on Dean's face again, trying to hold him still. Dean tried to push back into Cas's mouth, but Cas held firm.

"Dean, wait."

Dean shook his head. _No, no, no, don't want to wait. Don't stop. _"Don't stop Cas…" he mumbled trying to get closer again.

Cas gave in for a moment and kissed Dean feverishly again, but he was trying slow things down. The kiss turned from frenetic and almost violent, to something far more languid. Gentle.

Then Cas pulled away again and leaned his forehead against Dean's.

"Don't stop," Dean whispered again.

"I'm not stopping." Cas's deep voice rumbled in the shared space between their mouths, making Dean shudder. Dean moved forward again, but once more Cas held him back.

This time, Dean pulled away enough to look at Cas's face. Was he already regretting this?

Castiel must have seen his concern because he wrapped his arms around Dean, pulling his body close. Dean could feel Cas's heartbeat against his own ribs, and he didn't think anything had felt so right in his life for a very long time. It felt like their hearts were beating in time. Like it was Dean's heart beating inside Cas's chest.

"I'm not going anywhere, Dean," Cas reassured him softly. He slowly ran his hands down Dean's back, and then back up his arms. His one hand travelled to the back of Dean's neck, keeping him close, while the other stroked up his left arm to his shoulder. Then Cas fitted his fingers into his handprint seared into Dean's flesh, and closed his eyes. The moment Cas's hand was in place over the scar, Dean felt an almost electric buzz on his skin. It wasn't painful but it was almost unbearably intense. The feeling spread out from his shoulder and travelled over his body. Dean felt it on the back of his neck, in the base of his spine, and in an unexpected pull in his groin. His heart skipped a beat before speeding up.

He gasped out loud, and looked at Cas with wide eyes. Cas was once again looking at him with such heat in his eyes, Dean could hardly stand it.

"You feel it too." Cas wasn't asking. Dean could feel the other man's body trembling slightly against him.

"Yes!" he breathed out heavily. "What…?"

"I don't know. But we're connected, Dean. You're a part of me. You c— you _can't _shut me out again. You can't give me this and then shut me out again. I won't survive it. So you have to be sure about this, Dean. You _have _to be sure."

Dean didn't even have to think about it. "I'm _sure_. I'm so sure." He licked at Cas's lips for a moment, before moving down to his neck, tasting his skin as he went. He sucked a small bruise into the soft skin just beneath Cas's ear, then sat up and looked into Cas's eyes.

Dean took a deep breath and said with as much conviction as he could muster when he was still so terrified he would lose this, "I've never wanted anything like I want you."

At his words, Cas stood up, holding Dean in place against him and flipped them onto the bed. Dean landed on his back and shuffled up to the pillows, Cas following him. Dean let his legs fall open and Cas settled between his thighs like he belonged there. He pushed his hips against Dean and both men groaned at the sensation. Cas took another moment to look at Dean before dropping down to trail his mouth from Dean's lips, to his collarbone. He nipped at the flesh there before dropping lower and taking one of Dean's nipples in his mouth. There was a loud intake of breath from Dean as Cas sucked at his nipple and then ran his tongue around it, then across to the other. He bit down on the nub of flesh, before dropping a small kiss there. With licks and bites Cas made his way down to Dean's hips, biting at Dean's hip bone, and licking his way along the edge of Dean's charcoal boxer briefs.

"Jesus," Dean gasped and Cas looked up to see that Dean had thrown one arm over his eyes, as if he couldn't stand the sight of Cas _there_, while the other was tangled in the sheets of the unmade bed, fingers fisting the fabric.

Cas sat up and tucked his fingers under the waistband of Deans underwear, waiting for Dean to give him the go ahead. Dean peaked at him from under his arm and panted, "Please."

That was all Cas needed to hear. He pulled Dean's underwear down, staring hungrily as Dean's flushed cock bobbed against his abdomen. Cas left the bed just long enough to pull his own briefs off, and then he settled back against Dean, no barriers between them.

They both groaned again, not seeming able to stop rubbing against each other. Cas would have been perfectly happy to just do that, it was more than he ever thought he'd get with Dean, but just as he was settling into a rhythm of delicious thrusting against Dean, kissing Dean, _consuming _Dean, Dean pulled his mouth away and said words that nearly made Cas lose control entirely.

"I want you inside me, Cas."

Cas looked at Dean in shock.

"You're already a part of me, fuck, you don't even know. But I want to _feel _you."

Cas's mouth was dry. God, he wanted this so bad.

"I need you," Dean whispered.

And there wasn't anything Cas could say to that. He needed Dean so much. He thought he would die when Dean had let him leave the Bunker. It seemed like a lifetime ago, when it was only a few short hours. And now here they were and Dean was offering himself to Cas, in ways he'd never dared dream about.

All Cas could do was nod. Dean put a small bottle in Cas's hand—Cas didn't know where Dean had gotten it from— and settled back against the pillows.

Cas hesitated. "I've never…" he looked down at the bottle of lube and then up at Dean.

"I know," Dean nodded. "Me neither."

Cas's eyes widened at that. The trust that Dean was putting in him was overwhelming and his mouth crashed into Dean's, trying to convey everything he was feeling in that moment.

"I love you, Dean." He couldn't _not _say it. Not now.

A small sob broke out of Dean. "Fuck," he choked. His eyes were tearing up, and Dean wiped angrily at them. "I love you too, Cas. Jesus, you have no idea. It's all been so fucking hard, and I swear you're all that's kept me breathing. Just… make me forget about it all. Help me to feel something else, something good."

Dean kissed Cas frantically again, like he was afraid that if he stopped Cas would change his mind.

There was no universe in which Cas would change his mind about this.

Cas slowed them down again, calming Dean into soft kisses and small whimpers. Cas wouldn't feel embarrassed about this. Dean was new to this as well, so they'd learn how to make each other feel good together. Cas took his time, making sure that Dean's body would welcome his own with as little discomfort as possible. He probably overdid it, used too much lube, took too long, but feeling Dean on the inside was something Cas thought he would never get over. Eventually Dean was shaking with need and begging Cas.

Cas pulled his fingers from Dean's body and let his gaze roam over the man writhing beneath him. _There must be a benevolent god, _Cas thought to himself, _if I get to have this. _

Cas sat back on his knees, and told Dean to sit up and turn around. Dean looked a little confused at first, but he did as Cas asked. Once Dean was kneeling with his back to Cas, Cas shuffled forward so that his knees slotted underneath Dean. He lined up their bodies.

"Sit back, Dean. Go as slow as you need to," he whispered into Dean's ear.

Dean shuddered and slowly started to lower himself onto Cas's cock. Without even thinking about it, Cas fitted his hand onto the handprint on Dean's shoulder and they both trembled at the electricity that seemed to flow between them then, emanating from that connection to all the points where they were touching.

"Jesus," Dean panted, at the same time as Cas breathed, "Oh my god."

Once Dean was fully seated in Cas's lap, he brought Cas's other hand around his body, and linked their fingers together, before bringing them up to kiss Cas's knuckles. And they began to move together.

It was the most profound thing either of them had ever felt. They moved slowly, wanting to make the moment last, but their emotions had been running high for days now, and this last ordeal of Cas leaving had nearly broken them. So they clung to each other, whispering things they would only ever tell each other in moments like this, sharing their breath, sharing their bodies. It was over before either was ready. Cas brought their linked hands to Dean's aching cock and they stroked him together. Dean couldn't hold back his release, spilling over their joined hands. Dean's heat clenching so tightly around him made Cas lose control.

They collapsed onto the mattress, bodies still touching in as many places as possible. After a moment, Dean sniffed.

"Jesus, I'm such a girl," he tried to joke. But he was still wiping at tears in his eyes, and Cas couldn't let him belittle the person that meant the most to him.

He leaned on one elbow, looking down at Dean, who was trying to avoid his eyes. Cas brought his hand to Dean's face, turning it slightly so that Dean had no choice but to look at him.

"You are the strongest person I have ever known. And I'm so in love with you."

He lay back down, and pulled Dean in close. Dean let his head fall on Cas's chest, while Cas traced the outline of the imprint of his hand with one finger, going over and over the raised flesh. They could both still feel the buzzing between them.

"I've been in love with you for so long, I can't even remember when I realised it. But this scares the shit out of me, Cas. I can't lose you." Dean spoke softly, as if he didn't want to let the words out.

"I will always find my way back to you, Dean. This," he placed his hand over the handprint again, "it connects us. I don't know how or why, but whatever happens, we'll find each other."

Cas sounded so certain. Dean just hoped to hell that Cas was right.


End file.
